Designing On Empty: What My "Sickest Year" Taught Me About Game Design 

I’m currently sick while writing this article.

Strangely enough this is what I need to write about: Being creative while not having the energy to be creative, being under pressure to make games while being sick, stressed and tired. 

My Sickest Year 

Semester 1:

Digital Arts & Entertainment (DAE) is a bachelor program notorious for its intensity. In fact, I estimate 85% of students spread their second year over two years to reduce intensity. I had finished my first year and wanted a calmer second year so I decided to do this as well.

September started strong, I decided after a few weeks of school to do the second year in one year. I wanted to prove I was strong and I could do it. To catch up, I worked from sunrise to nightfall.

After a week or two of catching up I had a seizure in school. I was brought to the hospital, I was told to see a neurologist and was released. I continued having seizures and after many examinations the doctors concluded it was likely psychologically induced by stress. 

I didn’t like this diagnosis, I wanted it to be a physical problem rather than a mental one. 

This diagnosis made me feel weak and like I couldn’t do it.

My friends and family convinced me to start taking care of myself so I dropped the extra courses I took on. I had barely gotten any work done on the base courses because of the many hospital visits and catching up. 

During the exams that semester I got sick, I had a fever and constant headaches. I thought to myself:  “At least I’m not having any seizures”. But I pushed myself even further and managed to not only pass those exams but get high grades for them.

Semester 2:

Then the second semester began. 

This semester my game design course tasked us with researching “Three game design fields”. This could be a mechanic, level design, progression in games, etc. Every field concept would be its own deadline and you would get two weeks for each concept. 

Many of my peers would agree that this course was the hardest course we had this semester.

I had to do this while I continued having headaches and fatigue for many months. A blood analysis showed I was infected with the Epstein Barr virus. After a while I felt like it could not only be the viral infection that was making me this fatigued. I had been feeling very negative about my work and I just didn’t enjoy it anymore. I showed a lot of burn-out symptoms. My doctor decided to prescribe me with an anti-anxiety medication to relieve stress. 

The first two deadlines were too much pressure for me. I was only making myself worse, I was stressing about the project and I didn’t enjoy it. 

For the final deadline I decided to change my attitude:

“The first two went horribly and I didn’t enjoy them. So if the third one goes horribly it might as well be something I actually enjoy working on and don’t get stressed making it.” 

The pressure from your workspace and from your own ambition can drive you into a spiral of believing you have no other choice than to just “work hard and get it done”. I decided to break that cycle.

I began working on a project I've been wanting to make since I was 14. It was something I was very excited about. I hadn’t started this project because I knew it was too big of a game to make on my own. Since I only had to make a prototype it would be doable. I told myself “Look at least it’s something I like working on, I don’t care if I fail”. 

This project is something I thought of when experiencing the game Subnautica for the first time. Subnautica is an underwater sci-fi survival game where you have to survive on an alien planet. What’s so unique is that most of the movement is swimming. I asked myself: “What other movement could I use for a survival game?”. 

A skydiving sci-fi survival game. I got to work on creating satisfying, functional and somewhat realistic movement for the game. I was making something that a little teenage version of me wanted. It also happened that the Subnautica 2 early access also just released in that same time frame.

I took a page out of a 14 year old me’s book and just started making something because I thought it was cool. Who knew we could learn something from those teens?

Fast forward to today, the day I am writing this article. I feel like I only had four weeks where I didn’t feel sick this semester. Two weeks ago I felt like even my burn-out started getting better but yesterday I got sick again, another viral infection… I’m trying to keep up that good attitude.

The Final conclusion:

I had to learn a lot this year and not just for school. 

Game design is art. You need to enjoy the long deliberate process of testing, scrapping, iterating and brainstorming as much as a painter enjoys sketching, watching, brush stroking and color mixing. 

You also need to enjoy life itself because when life is not enjoyed where do you expect to draw inspiration from? 

It’s easy to forget that the making of art is something that we should do for ourselves. As a person that wants to work in the gaming industry I obviously understand we have a pressure for deadlines and we have to feed ourselves and maybe even our families with this. However, we need to keep finding ways to enjoy it, even if that pressure is there. Find parts about that job that you love. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t enjoy, but don’t find yourself in a situation where you do more things you dislike than the things you like. The scales need to tip in favor of enjoyment.

Give yourself time, be kind to yourself because you’re an artist and you deserve to enjoy creating art.